Friendship, that is. I know this is going to sound cynical, and I don't care. I hate the fact that people only care about themselves, and the worst thing is that I'm probably going to get comments on here telling me thats not true. But it is. I hate it. I give more to my friends than I should, than anyone ever should. I get crap in return. I get friends who don't care what I have to say. I get friends who, when I am crying about what they just said to me will look at me and say "whatever." I do this to myself too, thats the worst part. I always have. I don't know why. I find people who need help. Then I talk to them and help them and they move on to better friends and different people. I guess I serve my purpose. Make the world a better place right?

I don't want to help make the world a better place anymore. I don't even want to be in this world anymore. I can't handle the pressure and the pain. I guess I could, I've dealt with it this long, but I don't want to anymore. No one cares. No one.

I get so tired. I feel so lost and empty right now. I need help and I know it. I just can't get it. I...I....I am saying I a lot. I hate that too. This isn't about me. Nothing is. Its all about everyone else and I know that too. Friendship isn't real. Its a way to get close to someone to get them to help you get what you want or need. Whatever that may be. Even if its just companionship. Its still all about them.

Those who know me well enough know that I'm writing this slightly intoxicated, because thats when I get this way. Its when I realize the weight I have on my shoulders of bearing millions of secrets, thoughts, problems, and desires of other people. No one notices this. I've been the psychologist for years, played the part of the understanding and caring friend who will be there through anything. And its not even acting. Its who I am.

The first time I went to a shrink, I was diagnosed with a major guilt complex. I still have that today. I will do anything for anyone to the best of my ability, regardless of what it puts me through. I've lost so much. I've lost myself. Between whatever everyone says, I don't know who I am anymore.

Love is fake. Life is fake. Friendship is fake. People are fake. Caring is fake. I am fake. I don't care anymore. Theres no point. I'm missing a basic sense of self and theres nothing I can do about it.


Lost...